Christmas Reflections

So, this is Christmas.

I spent the day alone at home. Hey, technically it's just a holiday for me which I got to sleep in and do nothing. Oh, God knows I'm certainly not all that religious.

So today I woke up doing a bit of net surfing and then I decided to bake. Baking started slightly after 11 am and finally stopped around 4 pm. Boy, did I bake? I made brownies, lemon zest short bread and chocalate chips cookies. When I done baking, I cleaned. I slaved myself for another 2 good hours sweeping, dusting and mopping. By the time I was done cleaning I realised I'd be late for my uncle's dinner invitation, I called to cancel, at the eleventh hour. I felt bad.

Reflecting on a year gone by, it was very much like this Christmas day. I spent too much time and effort for all the frivolous things that I some what lost sight of the ultimate big picture. Long hours were poured into work, chasing after the various current year's targets. I've been doing the same tasks over and over and over again for the past 4 years. Those tasks turn mechanical and routine as I'm falling deep into the comfort zone. There wasn't any significant growth in job satisfaction. Hence motivation and drive are heading south, like the migratory birds around this time of the year. I want out. I want stimulants. I want challenges. I want to grow.

In the last year, I've been seriously looking to buy a place for myself. I was, well, still am, searching for a two room apartment in the city. So far my quest has been unsuccessful, mainly due to the price tag of such a place. Even so, I've been dreaming about the day I get a place of my own and how I going to get it all done up: the furnitures, the room layout, the colour scheme, the bed, the bath tub, the kitchen cabinets, the book shelves, the flat screen t.v. etc. Yet at the end of the day, I'd go back to an empty house anyway. Isn't it true that we can buy a house but we can't buy a home? I was so wrapped up about the house, I totally overlooked my home and my family. It's just plain wrong that they weren't in the picture. Dad is dying and I hardly spend time with him. I hardly know him!

It's has been a selfish year. Too much about me. OK, I confess, it was all about me. Too much taking and too little giving are not very good on the karma account. And I know karma can really gets me big time, any time. I've got to put more credit in. Come next year I want to give my time to the others, family and friend especially. I'm looking forward to volunteer too. I always want to work with children and I'm planning to spend my Saturdays doing just that. I know of an excellent program for that.

As Christmas day drawing to an end, I called her, far far away her. I wanted to hear her voice. But I got the machine. As my Christmas day today pretty much sums up my past year, I hope this part has got nothing to do with it, this year or the years to come.