Life at 31

My family is not big on birthdays. We normally do not celebrate them. I remember one birthday where my uncle brought me out and bought me a pair of new clothes and a cake. When we got home, I was happily prancing around in my new clothes and everyone gathered around singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to me. I can’t even remember how old I was then, probably 4. That’s the most prominent birthday memory I have. Of course there were a few where I spent it with friends going out for a nice meal and a few where I went out with friends and got hammered. Even so, that is not an annual birthday event.

Mostly, I spent my birthday quietly. I remember there was a year where I went for a long drive on my birthday. I set out and drove aimlessly for a couple of hours. There was a year I sat on the beach in Krabi, reading, sleeping, swimming and sketching. It’s a day I spend in solitude, reflecting on my past year and pondering on my next.

This year I did nothing on the day itself, then I went hiking on my own the day after. It was an hour drive out of the city to Gunung Datuk. Along the way I couldn’t help thinking how quickly and silently time slip by. Realizing this sent an eerie chill down my spine and sipped into my core. I was shitting-in-my-pants scared. I’m 31. I need to be 31, feel 31, act 31, live 31.

“What is 31?”

I thought of commitment.

31 is a time to commit. Along with commitments come responsibilities. Buying a house for example, a big financial commitment. For at least for the next 25 to 30 years, you slave yourself paying the mortgage dutifully. In other words your ass belong to the bank. Unknowingly compromises are made, such as longer hours in the office, fewer contacts with friends and family, lesser vacation days, etc. The youthful spunk of risk taking, spontaneity and adventurous also diminishes slowly. Every move thereafter becomes extremely cautious and conservative. Career change is history. Dreams are shelved in memory and dusted years later, usually with regrets.

Settling down to a relationship, a big emotional commitment, some would say a bigger financial commitment. Life during single-hood is all about me, me and me. But life during couple-hood is all about us, us and us. But actually it’s about her, her and her. All shapes and forms of freedom, say freedom of speech (“that chic is hot!”) and freedom of assembly (hanging out with the guys), remains an ideal in the constitution. For the rest of your life your ass belongs to someone else. At 31, I still like my ass, a lot and still would want to hold on to them. Jokes aside, indeed each decision and action made during couple-hood would have direct impact on another life, her life! That’s like playing God! Don't you think? OK, I’m over-stretching it, but such commitment is overbearing and imposing. Though it can be absolutely beautiful, at 31, I’m longing for it but unfortunately not ready for it. Does that even make any sense?

“So, what the heck is 31?” I kept asking myself walking up the hill, gasping for air.

Indeed 31 is a time to commit, commit to finding the essence of life. Going into 31, the meaning of life, the purpose of being is definite. It should be. Like hiking, I’ve been walking for quite awhile, the summit was in sight and the glorious view was waiting. I know I want to excel in my practice, be the expert in my field. What does that means? Is that the purpose of my being? How does that define me? I believe there must be bigger things than that. Life must be more than that. In the woods of life, I’m a little lost.

Every now and then I would look up while I was walking, I’d saw the peak. I supposed I was on the right track, moving in the right direction. The trail was slippery and steep, still a lot of vertical distance to trudge by. I was on my own. The inner voice was getting loud and firm, shouting: “Forge on. Almost there. Go get ‘em!” (Oh boy, I’m hearing things now!) Slowly, I pressed on. “It wouldn’t be too bad if we are doing this together.” I suddenly said to myself. (Now I’m talking to myself.) I can’t do this on my own forever. I wished someone would be there with me taking in the breathtaking view at the top.

After hiking a little more than an hour, I made it to the top of Gunung Datuk. I was drenched, thoroughly. I sat on the boulders, chewing my sandwich and enjoying the view. It was a bright clear day. The view was absolutely impressive. At 31, I set to discover the essence of my life. I may be still in search of the meaning of my life and the purpose of my being. But it was clear to me that I don’t want to do this alone. The road ahead remains long and treacherous. Having a company along the way would be nice. Looking far into the horizon, indeed I wished she was here with me.

Happy birthday to me.